Today, I write from home after a whole winter of unexpected journeys. The thing is I didn’t plan any of it. For some, who follow me on facebook, you know the life journey I have been on. For those that only watch here, I am going to share a little of my life story the last few months.
My story is also my Dad’s story. As you know, I started this blog because I lost my mom almost a year ago and I realized I had to take control of my life or life would control me. So, my dog and I started taking little journey’s around the Ohio River. Well during this summer and into fall, I found myself taking care of my dad more and more.
His health, since mom died has been slowly diminishing. We went from feeling comfortable on his beautiful farm to not being able to handle it anymore. He went from being extremely independent to needing more help. I am only sharing this as I know so many other people are in my situation.
We spend a lot of time taking care of our kids and doing there activities through most of our adult lives. When they reach that milestone of graduation we start planning what our new freedoms mean. But too soon, our parent’s reach an age where they need our help. If you are lucky, like me, you had 2 parent’s that always were there through things.. Yet, it is really hard to reverse that roll. It’s hard to realize that they need you now.
What I can say is Dad and I have made the best out of some tough situations. Hospital stays, case workers, and doctors offices are not our favorite places to visit. Yet, we learned to lean on each other and to take care of each other because sometimes that is all we had to depend on.
In early December Dad had a real scare and for a brief minute we were not sure how he was going to get through it. He spent 2 weeks in the hospital. The worst part, as his caregiver, I should have been there to help advise him through it. But the day before he went in, my husband and I both tested positive for covid.
Imagine being your dad’s security blanket but not being able to visit with him. Imagine trying to communicate with him through his phone when the only information you have is what the nurses station can give you. Dad had such high anxiety at that time so communication was rough and he had an NG tube in his nose. The NG Tube was to help ease the pressure from the bowel blockage he had.
It was the most helpless feeling I ever had. Dad was asking me to help him and I could do very little while I was at home running a fever. I called and talked to him 2 or 3 times in one day to try and figure out how he was doing. I tried to offer him advice and guidance but sometimes the doctors would talk to him but not talk to me.
The scariest moment at this point was hearing your father was going to need a life saving surgery. The doctor told him that evening but it was Dad who told me. I was so confused. I called the nurses station and the gentleman that was taking care of my dad explained the surgery would happen at earliest that morning. But, the doctor wouldn’t call and tell me what the surgery involved. I didn’t get an answer until the next morning an hour before they took dad back.
I was able to call and tell dad that yes this was a necessary procedure but I can’t even now imagine the fear my dad felt. The confusion of everything. The anger he had to have because I couldn’t be there to advise him. The fear of surgery and its consequences had to of been terrifying for him. I know as I laid in bed recovering from covid I felt the most miserable at that moment. The fact he wasn’t able to understand the doctor’s at all and constantly asking me for clarification didn’t ease our stress. I mean the whole situation was rough.
I am thankful he made it through his procedure. I was even more thankful that I could be there to help him get into a senior assisted living home. A place where he could get the care he needed. After that bout in the hospital Dad and I decided the senior living home was best for both of us. It’s a facility where he lives as independently as possible but as his need grows so does the care But imagine moving into your new home 2 days before Christmas? He never complained. He knew it was for the best but it felt so sad to leave him at the facility. If I had a bad year, my Dad had it worse. We were grateful to find a facility that cared enough to help dad adjust to his new living situation.
Taking care of Dad has not eased up at all. I drive 5 hours there and back in one day just to see him from where I live. We visit. Talk about upcoming appointments. Visit for a while though for Dad its never long enough. Then I go over with my husband to look after his house and grab any remaining bills that a neighbor picks up for us. But it doesn’t stop there. My dad has a very restrictive diet. The facility he is at tries very hard to help him plan his meals but he refuses to look at the menu to order some things. It’s not that he is being impossible. I think the menu offers him too many choices. So for the 1st 5 weeks he ordered a hamburger and French fries. No bun. He forgot to get the lettuce or tomato.
As time went on he started complaining to me about the food. We tried bringing in meats he could eat but ordering dinner at breakfast time was complicated. I should say Dad is allergic to Pork and Chicken. Most things served at most places are pork and chicken. The facility did start offering beef hot dogs. They made him cornbeef becuase he really liked it. The chef asked me to bring in some gluten free items so dad could eat with the other residents. I am so thankful for how much effort they have put forward in making this facility feel like home for him.
But on my days I don’t visit him, I do call. I make doctors appointments, field questions from the nurses, pay his bills and make him food. I am not complaining or even sharing this because I want some sort of pat on the back. I am hoping to share this so others have an idea of what it’s like taking care of a parent. Just because dad is in a home doesn’t mean my responsibilities stopped there. I feel like taking care of him is my full time job. Especially since we are still sorting out his farm and the animals that were on it.
I also want to say that I have learned in the last 2 years that life isn’t always about what you want to do, but what you should do. It matters. My Dad and Mom bailed me out when I was a young parent. They gave advice, they babysat so Keith and I could have a weekend together, and when Keith’s dad got sick, it was mom and dad that helped us through some logistics.
My journey has taught me to see life once again in many different layers. When I am so focused on doing right by Dad, I neglect other things. My husband has had to learn to pick up the slack. He’s had to give me time to just be. I need time with my own thoughts just to wrap my head around the next journey. My kids, they have had to learn that my focus isn’t entirely on their adventures right now and my son is taking care of half our animals while going to college.
Taking care of an older family member is a family affair and it is truly a journey I choose to continue. One I have too. But most importantly I don’t want Dad to ever feel like his needs are too much. That he is a burden. He is not. He is funny, loving, gentle, and kind. He still fights for his daughter when he thinks people are out of order and he really tries to do all he can for himself. I am really blessed to have this time with him and I think we both have grown to appreciate each other.